Sick delusional paranoid rantings

Damn I've been sick with worry this entire week. It's dangerous not knowing what you're doing in a federally regulated industry. I must remember to take people who DO know what they're doing with me, so that I don't run into any more trouble. I think I made a new friend through this ordeal. She helped me out more than I expected her to. I definitely owe her a big favour.

But damn, even without making all this trouble I feel like I'm useless. So useless that I want to leave, but that's the easy coward's way out. But it's better than leading people on and making them think I can contribute a lot when I'm not even confident in my own ability to do that.

It's only recently I've been able to identify some of my strengths, and also some of my weaknesses. I've found that people open up reasonably easily to me, and I don't exactly know what that means about my personality. Does that mean I'm trustworthy? Or perhaps understanding; empathy goes a long way in this day of apathy. I've also concluded that my memory recall is fairly well-developed. And in interactions with people, I've found that I'm much better one-on-one. So I'm planning to play to my strengths and plan to shrink my weaknesses. I seem to have more weaknesses than strengths, at least personality-wise. And I compensate with talent, I suppose. What? I mean, I'm smart, I'm attractive, I can sing, write, and draw. I can hold an audience if I were so inclined. I daresay I had a knack at being amusing. But all these things are trivial, I've found. Trivial compared to the lackluster qualities of my personality, which to say the least, is unremarkable. I suppose I take the most pride in that people open up easily to me, but as to the motives why, I cannot say. I need further introspection to discover that, and in the process of that search I may find that I will lose it as soon as it is found. Awareness of such things can very often alter one's performance to stilt these gifts.

Here I go rambling. My English professor at SMC thinks I have good insight in my papers, but my wording is sometimes vague and often awkwardly worded. Perhaps I need proofreading after all, but it doesn't prevent her from giving me my A's. Oh yeah, of the five things my English grades are based on, because my professor has been sick for the entire week, she has postponed the final assignment a little bit and has deleted the final from the checklist of graded work. Yay! This means that this final assignment I've received (I'll enjoy this one; I get to write about the Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock, by T.S. Eliot) is my last assignment, and then after that, only one more writing class for the rest of my life! I'm excited because it means that I'm more assured of my A in the class, after receiving a ninety-three and a ninety-two percent on my first two assignments, respectively. I have no idea how I was graded on my poem presentation, but my write up is not yet graded. Which means I need to write a kickass essay about Prufrock. No problem, since I had actually studied this poem before, in my senior English class in high school.

Let us go now you and I
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table
Let us go through certain half-deserted streets
The muttering retreats
The restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
Of sawdust restaurants and oyster shells
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
That leads you to an overwhelming question:
Oh, do not ask what is it
Let us go and make our visit.

First stanza, taken from memory three years ago. Not bad, huh?